How do I begin? How do I put into word what exactly am I feeling at this very moment? How do I describe how I have been feeling for the past couple of weeks? Is there even a point in me showing my deepest, darkest side, possibly bringing the rest of you down? Especially in times of what is supposed to be holiday cheer?
Do I stay true and keep it real? Or do I hold it in and pretend everything is okay, showing the world my happy face while I feel overwhelmed?
Am I just being hormonal because I am pregnant? Or is it the culmination of bottling it all up for the longest time, that’s now starting to surface?
You might have noticed, we haven’t posted as frequently over the last couple of weeks. And you might have noticed, I slacked off with commenting and replying to comments here. It wasn’t intentional. And it wasn’t because I lost my blogging drive.
I was battling morning all day sickness that comes with pregnancy. And I’ve been dealt another blow. I’ve had another disagreement with my mother, where it became apparent that no matter how hard I try, I will forever be seen as someone who doesn’t know how to make her own decisions, has poor judgement, and is easily influenced and unable to think for herself. Once again, I was told that I don’t know how to handle anything and that the life blows we received so far are all exclusively my fault.
I was deemed selfish, and uncaring. All because I refused to give up what little bit of income I do have left over and wanting to save for my family. My explanation was met with the counter question of how dare I think about saving money when she cannot?
I was told I am uncaring and ungrateful because I stood by my husband instead of siding with her when she wrongly accused of him doing something he hadn’t done.
I am tired of hearing how I did something wrong, but when I do something right, it seems to go unnoticed. I am tired of having everything I do being shared with the neighbors.
Most of all I am tired of not being heard, being interrupted, and being told I have no life experience at all. Most of all I am disappointed of being the only one trying to appease only to be told it’s ridiculous and selfish to go to bed at 1030PM.
I am scared of not being able to meet our goal, and be forever stuck in a place where I feel I don’t belong. Far away from what I came to consider my home. Home that is 5200 miles away, home that is calling me back, home that I long for, home that is across the ocean, blue, deep, and so vast it seems impossible to get across.
I am stressed from knowing I have so much on my plate, and so many things to do and take care of, yet I am nauseated and tired, wanting nothing more than to lay down.
I am happy and excited that we are having another baby. Boy, girl or twins, it doesn’t matter. As long as we make it through, as long as the baby comes to this world healthy, I don’t care what we are having. The baby, our little blessing, will be loved and cherished for, to the best of our abilities.
I wanted to wait till Christmas to share our news with the rest of the family, naively thinking it’s the holiday season, and it will make the holidays even better. But now, I don’t want to share the news at all. I fear it will be met with yet another barrage of statements of how irresponsible and stupid we are to allow it to happen, along with helpful suggestions of getting an abortion. Which is out of the question.
I am desperate because I want to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I want to reach the end of this very thorny path. I believe it’s there. It feels so close to our reach, yet so far away. It’s teasing me and calling my name yet staying conveniently out of my reach.
I am lost. At loss for words, at loss for finding open doors, and tired of stumbling on windows that are closing. At a loss what to do, and more importantly how to do it. Yet desperate enough to try anything.
I don’t want to keep it all in anymore. I can’t keep it all in. I don’t want to feel trapped. I don’t want pity. And just for a moment, I don’t want to be brave. Just for a moment, I want to fall apart, and let it all out. For a moment, I want to show how I feel, and all the things hidden behind my perpetual smile. Just for a moment, I want to have a moment of weakness. Just for a moment, I want to let my tears fall freely without having to explain everything.